I unintentionally left my blog unattended for the winter months. I kept on thinking about how I should write a new entry, but the cycle of thinking about writing, procrastinating, and not doing it followed me until now. I have fortunately been able to break this cycle now and want to share my trials from this winter with you.
My lack of ability to write a blog entry this winter is only one thing that I found myself unable to do. I found myself stuck in the winter blues, unable to move forward. I felt stuck and unsure of what my future would hold. I spent the winter months haphazardly applying to jobs, after having already given up on my ability to get a job or even really knowing what I want to do career-wise in my life.
I can't even begin to describe my life as an unemployed person this past winter. It was like I was walking through molasses, unable to move anywhere. In my mind, the best way to describe my unemployed life is by saying that the amount of free time I have is ridiculous, especially since I have been the most unproductive I have probably been ever.
Thoughts my unemployed self likes to think:
1) No one wants me (Not True- it may just seem that way at times)
2) I am hopeless
3) Where did all of my schooling, qualifications and everything that everyone said were necessary really get me?
4) Is my whole life going to be life this???
5) I am a useless wreck who doesn't even need to get changed out of my pyjamas or get out of bed!
All of the above thoughts spun around and around my brain during the past several months. I couldn't get rid of them they were all there, like a shadow that never leaves no matter how much I tried to reassure myself that:
1) I am a good person
2) I have a lot going for me (i.e. not in debt, friends & family love me, schooling, etc.)
3) I will grow and learn from this experience
4) It is not that bad- people are a lot worse off then me
5) Life is amazing
It was this back and forth between my depressed side and optimistic side that seesawed with my emotions all winter. The thoughts in my head just go louder and louder. It was hard not to get stuck beating myself up day after day after day.
I wish that I had written more when I was truly in the depths of despair, so that I could truly paint the full picture of that time, but it isn't so. All I can say is that it felt like I had hit a brick wall, where I would be filled with hope one minute and crying about how hopeless my life was the next.
I can safely say that I am now safely on my way out of the almost complete darkness. The end of winter and a few job interviews/ job offers helped with my change of spirit.
I am realizing all that I have in my life to be thankful for, and what all I accomplished during those dreary months. I appreciate that I am in no way on the route to having my whole life figured out, but I don't think anyone has their life completely figured out or knows exactly where their life journey is taking them.
My winter hibernation has taught me a few things like:
1) Employment isn't the be all and end all. After all of the questions from inquiring relatives and friends, it may seem like a job is all that matters in life, but really everyone is unemployed at some time or other. There are other things in life like snuggling with cats, waiting for those who are employed to get home from work, and procrastinating that are very enjoyable tasks after all.
2) My worth isn't measured in my job. After all, I am good company and available most of the time. I can volunteer a lot, as my calendar is empty. That is until volunteering and job applications filled it up. I do have lots of qualifications that will help me get a job.
3) I am bitter about my circumstances, but hopefully it will all work out. I guess that is the key. No one wants to be unemployed- at least I would think those people were crazy if they did. At least, my employment status can only improve from here on out.
Finally, for all to see- here is a look into the future (which let's be honest, no one can really predict...).
Landscapes and nature tend to put life into focus for me, so I think this picture is a good fit. It is a sunset from the year 4 canoe trip I led for Trails Youth Initiatives last summer.
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